An indepth look at the hottest World Series Blue Jays players

Alright you horny little freaks.  The dystopian clouds have momentarily parted on Toronto like the firm cheeks of our collective asses as we bask in the simultaneous gay revelry of Halloween and World Series baseball.  For the baseball-agnostic readers whose trip to the Skydome in recent years has been to attend the Chromatica ball, you might want to pay attention, because baseball is hotter than ever right now.  In fact, our beloved Blue Jays are packing a historic amount of heat as we gear up to beat the LA Dodgers tonight in game 6 of the series, so to celebrate the season, we thought we’d create a primer on some of the humble hunks of Toronto’s dugout.  

For anyone who needs some last minute sexy Halloween inspiration, look no further and hop on the bandwagon, honey, because our boys have got you covered.

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Vladimir Guerrero Jr.

If there’s one word to sum up the Blue Jays right now it’s this: VLADDY.  Yes, that is his official nickname.  Yes, the straight-as-a-board announcers are gleefully saying it on live television.  Yes, they blow up the word VLADDY in 50 foot letters on the jumbotron.  And can you blame anyone on the collective obsession?  Our star player is by all accounts an absolute dreamboat.  From the twinkle in his eye to the twinkle in his cheeky diamond earring, Vladdy the baddie is an instant icon.  The body is tea.  The stance is stunning.  The homers are HUGE.  But perhaps the hottest quality of all is our star player’s effortless charisma.  The way he looks out at the crowd says it all.  Whether at home or away, every time he steps up at the plate or gingerly skips around the diamond after hitting one out the park, it’s like you can hear him saying “Yeah, I know I’m hot.  You know I’m hot.  I know that you know I’m hot.  And I know that whether you’re rooting for my team or not, you’re going to cheer for me all the same.”

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David Schneider

For those who crave a certain kind of retro-chic to their jocks, Schneider is your man.  Some love the sporty glasses.  Some love the moustache that’s simply begging for a ride.  He’s that guy from your hometown who’s constantly chewing gum, can barely hold a conversation with you, and will show up in your steamiest dreams when you least suspect it.  He can switch between infield and outfield, and with a habit of walking on to the field to the tune of Chappel’s “Pink Pony Club”, I have a feeling that’s not the only place he’s switching ;)

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Alejandro Kirk

The Blue Jays’ catcher isn’t just an icon for the way he receives balls, in fact he’s one of the best swingers we’ve got.  Whenever Kirk gets up to the plate, you know you’re in for some guaranteed action.  And because as a catcher, he spends half his time squatting over the plate, he’s never even heard of leg day.  He IS leg day.  I could write an entire article just about the eroticism of the players’ various stances at the plate, the gloved hands gripping the wooden bat and the bubble butts peeking out to wink at you, but I don’t need to, because one picture of Kirk’s big squat energy will speak a thousand words (all of them dirty).

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Bo Bichette

We can argue for hours about the exact qualities that make a twink, and I’m NOT about to wade into that discourse, but at least on this roster, Bichette is the closest thing we’ve got.  First, he’s a shortstop, which is obviously the twinkiest position of the team.  Second, the name.  It’s flirty, it’s fun, it’s French-sounding.  Before I even watched him play, I saw the name Bichette on the jersey of the cuntiest walking player in the dugout and I knew I had a new fave.  Look at that cute round face; you could just pinch those cheeks (and yes, those ones too).  Sadly, Bichette made the tragic decision to cut his long gorgeous locks, but a quick image search will show you how recently he was the rocker of your dreams.  Just photoshop a leather jacket onto him, and let your imagination run wild.

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Ernie Clement

While we’re talking hair, I’ve got to give a shout out to our third baseman.  His curly pseudo-mullet popping out of the back of his cap is simply darling, and his flirty smile could melt your pants off.  He looks like he’d take you out to dinner and actually ask you questions about yourself.  Raw, next question.

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Addison Barger

Well he shares a first name with Addison Rae, so that should be all the information you need.  Honorary queen by association.

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George Springer

I’m gonna be real with you.  I completely hopped on the bandwagon and basically only started watching the series right before Springer was taken out of play due to an injury, so I don’t have a ton to say about him.  But he did famously hit the home run that got the Jays into the World Series, so that’s sexy.  And now he’s spending the world series being doted on by medical professionals and watching his bros while he spits sunflower seeds straight onto the ground, which is iconic diva behaviour.

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Trey Yesavage

The star of last night’s game and one of the biggest come-up stories of the series, our 22 year old pitcher was a rookie just earlier this year, and now he’s dusting dudes off by the dozens (aka he literally set a record for strikeouts).  To explain the gravitas of his hotness in a way that puts his stats into perspective, I’ll defer to Coco, the biggest Jays fan in my group chat: “Imagine you’re at Steamworks, sucking and fucking all the normal guys you normally do, and all of a sudden this brand new hottie comes out of nowhere and gets 12 guys off in a row.”   Need I say more?

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Bonus: John Schneider

This little rundown would be incomplete without a nod to our hottie of a hunk of a manager.  Schneider is built like a brick house.  I want to squeeze every appendage on his body.  And yes, he’s buff, thick, and hard, with a well groomed beard that looks like it will scratch you in alllll the right ways.

But the thing that makes him hottest is in the moments in between.  He spends the game staring at the team of men at his command.  A perfect pup trainer, if you will.  When he’s stressed, he spits fat globs of saliva that could submerge me in their strands (no complaints here).  He may never hit the field or catch a ball, but he’s number one on my personal hit list.

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Whether you’re in it for the long haul, or just a baby bandwagoner, you’d be hard pressed not to find a reason not to tune in to the remaining games in the series.  Even if you only catch a glimpse of the fabulous trade on that field, I can guarantee they’ll send your balls flying.

Go Jays go! Blow gays blow!  Stay safe and cheer loud this weekend divas, cause with the boys we’ve got to call our own, we’re already winners at home.